This Time Last Year...

Warning this post is very different from my usual posts. For some reason I am willing to put myself out there and be very vulnerable. It is very wordy and there are no pictures, so feel free to skip if you would like :)

Roughly one year ago was a day that Jason and I had looked forward to from the moment we found out we were going to have a baby. This was the day that we were going to be told if our lives were going to be blue or pink...get it boy or girl? (of course you get it, I think that analogy was 3rd grade level :) Anyway, I counted down the weeks, the days, and then the hours until this appointment, because this was the day that I just KNEW we would be told we were going to have a little boy and that all of my dreams about my family were going to come true. The sonographer was looking and ready to announce the sex of the baby, and then I saw it. I saw those three little black lines that mean GIRL. As soon as she confirmed this, I was devastated...I know, I know there is a precious baby growing in my belly and I am devastated to learn that I am having a girl? All of my dreams of sitting, bundled up every fall watching my son play soccer (if my dad has anything to say about it) or football and then every summer watching Jason coach his baseball disappeared. Side note...I obviously realize that these dreams can still come true with a girl, but at the time this child that I always envisioned flashed before my eyes and then disappeared. Alright, back to it...as the sonogram continued another devastating piece of info was brought to light. The baby only had a 2-vessel umbilical cord and we were going to be referred to a neonatologist for further inspection to make sure that there was nothing wrong with our baby. This day that I had looked forward to for so long had turned into a day of worst nightmares. I was nervous about the 2-vessel cord, but I was depressed/devastated/grieving the fact that I was going to have a girl. I'll say it again, what is wrong with me? What kinda person reacts this way? Jason was as supportive as he could be, but he was thrilled at the idea of a baby girl!

One week later we went to the neonatologist for a level 2 ultrasound. I was so nervous and scared that there was something wrong with my baby, but I also had a hope that maybe at this ultrasound they would tell me that I was actually having a boy, that the first sonographer was wrong. We all know the outcome of that...the sonographer was right and we were in fact having a girl (he even said at the time that he was positive it was a girl). After many measurements and testing, he said that he didn't see anything that led him to believe that there was anything wrong with the baby, but that our risk of anomalies were 50% higher than they would have been if her umbilical cord was normal. He also said that the further we got into the pregnancy, the higher the risk would become of her not growing properly and could possibly lead to a stillbirth.

I don't know if I was naive or if it was God's grace, but I was confident throughout the remainder of my pregnancy that she was going to be fine. If there was a time that I didn't feel her kicking as much, I would sit real still and will her to kick. I would pray that God would have her move so that I would feel peace. Luckily for me, Reegan was a very active baby! She kicked, rolled, and moved all over the place. There were very few moments where I wondered if this baby was going to be alright, I always felt a peace about it and knew she was going to be perfect.

I don't know why I feel the need to tell this story, especially when it leaves me feeling so vulnerable and thinking about how that first sonogram left me feeling so empty and like the most terrible person on the planet. I am obviously in a totally different place in my life now. I have heard stories of babies being born with 2-vessel cords that were not as lucky as our precious baby. Those that had to be transferred to other hospitals for extended care and I can't help but think how great God's mercy is and how thankful I am that he took care of Reegan when I was so helpless.

I am so thankful that Reegan is in my life and she is the perfect baby for Jason and I. In fact, when I think about having another baby (not seriously thinking about it, but thinking here or there when I see a tiny baby or find a really cute newborn onesie) how I would be completely happy having another baby girl and possibly being a mother to all girls. Wow, things have changed a lot in the last year!!!